On Grades

Grad school is funny. Before now, being disappointed by an 85% would be the silliest thing I ever thought of.

(I got an A in another midterm, though, so it's okay.)

On Sex

Let's talk about sex.
I'm pretty sure I can have it if I ask for it. I haven't asked for it, though, and I'm starting to think it might be good for me to have a personal sexual revolution and just start asking. I could benefit from some physical closeness. I could benefit from some release. I could benefit from someone trying to make me feel good.
I have lots of reasons for not doing this, such as: what if the answer is "no", what if I'm actually really bad at it, what if it doesn't feel good, I don't have any time, I don't want to spend what little money I have on condoms... Okay, that last reason is a bad reason.
The big reason--the reason I don't talk about--is that, while the idea of sex sounds welcome and fulfilling, the idea of what happens before and after scares me to death when it doesn't include secret smiles, someone's smell becoming familiar, little kisses just because.

"I want to fuck you" just doesn't sound as good as "I like you a lot". "That was fun" doesn't mean as much if "You make me happy" isn't implicit in the statement.

On Theme Park Rides

They say that grad school is a rollercoaster, but I've been sort of ignoring the people who say that despite my 51-hour-weeks (and that's not including time for commuting or homework).

Well, in the past week, I decided that they might know what they're talking about.

Midterms start tomorrow. Eep! I think I'm ready. Kinda.
My five-year reunion from HS was this weekend. If anyone thinks that's silly, you can be sure that they didn't go to my school. It was reaffirming, even if it wasn't relaxing. I was reminded of my wonderful friends and of what my position is in my worlds.
We had a mini-family reunion, but I was only there for a day. It was good to see my people.
Rachel left for New Zealand for practically ages. That's sad.
I looked at some of my photos from Rome, finally!

And not the least of things, I have to give up my dog.

All of these things have called a lot in to question for me and taken away a lot of my sleep, for various reasons.

I've decided my priority is growth.
I will do what I can to continue to grow.