On Love of Drama

At work the other day one of the custodians was moving an empty filing cabinet and punctured his wrist. There was quite a lot of blood so we made him go to the nurse who turned out to be incompetent. As my boss talked to the woman on the phone with tone of combined horror and aggravation, I stayed nearby and took it all in. One of the ladies I work with turned to me, smiled and said “You love drama, don’t you?”
She has no idea. I hate to be a part of it, but I adore being in the proximity of it… this is mostly a product of my family, I think.
Her remark made me laugh at the time. But there has been a lot of drama lately. When Mae West claimed that “too much of a good thing is wonderful” I think she was probably talking about jewelry or ice cream... because even if you thrive when big things are going on, there is a limit to how much a girl can take.

Everything that is happening keeps reminding me again and again how important relationships are. I’m not referring to how valuable it is to have bonds with the people in your life – although that’s also important. I’m talking about the roles that we play and how we’re connected.
Have you ever held someone’s hands and then both of you leaned way back and balanced one another’s weight? If one of the two people falls or lets go to scratch his elbow the other person is going to lose balance or fall. Imagine that balance with more people, now. Imagine your family, or everyone you know, or even the whole world. If one person changes or disappears every one is going to be affected until the balance is found again.
I am in the midst of that post-change confusion. There are nodes in my network, including me, who have disappeared or shifted or let go and now every one and ever thing is stumbling about.
I trust that equilibrium will be found again, but in the meantime it’s sloppy and scary. And for now, drama is not something I love.

----

Postscript: I like this photo for it’s simplicity and the different levels of meaning it carries for me. I know that it's probably as cryptic as the entry itself. I've left a lot of details out because this isn't the place for stuff like that. But you can always ask and I might tell you.

Today Is My Birthday

Which adds to my sense that I'm hurtling through time at an alarming rate.

this is me struggling and falling and failing
and not living life to its fullest but wanting to and trying
and continuing to figure out who i am and who i want to be and how


it is messy and muddled

Nest

I hate my job.

But these are things I have to look forward to:
the Vineyard for the 4th.
Brandon!
my birthday.
a new computer (someday soon)
the end of my job and the subsequent start of working with the kids again.

That'll get me through the summer... or at least July.

What do you have planned?

Murky

After driving home I went to get an oil change and I was in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube when I realized that I never see grown-ups sitting cross-legged in public places. I thought to myself "If I'm a grown-up, I should really sit like one" and then I continued to sit cross-legged anyway.

People keep asking me if I feel different and, other than things like that, I don't.

But it's been a month since I graduated and a lot has changed:
I've moved back home after 7 years in dorms and I'm attempting to move everything old out and everything current in (and then I want to redecorate).
I started working a week after graduation in special education. I'm in charge of the 8th graders in one of the resource rooms in the junior high. Basically, I go to each of the classes so I can keep track of the material and assignments, and when the students are in the resource room I keep them on task and help them if they need it. That's going to change over the summer, and I know what I'll be doing then... but for now the job is great. I get weekends off and I'm home every day by 2:30, although I do have to be there at 7:30 every morning.
And of course, I am far away from some of the most important people in my life.

A lot of it is very exciting, and I manage to spend a majority of my time upbeat... but I can feel it draining on me. Yesterday I slept all afternoon and then burst into tears before dinner. I am tired and overwhelmed and especially lonely.

Eventually the dust will settle and everything will be clear, but right now life is pretty murky.

I Graduated!

More photos can be found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/molly_merrick/sets/72057594138496772/

My View

I was lucky to have decent dorm luck my last year at Lake Forest College. In the past it’s been bad. Let’s review, shall we?
Freshman year, Roberts dorm. It’s shoddy and not substance-free and I was in a quad.
Sophomore year , McClure dorm. It’s a twin of shoddy Roberts, but substance free. I had a off of a landing in the stairwell and students here call it a “suicide single”. It was tiny, and the bed was permanently lofted over the desk and armoire and permanently blocking the window. There was no set of drawers (I stacked Rubbermaid containers in the armoire) and to use the bathroom you had to go downstairs and people in the stairway were really noisy. The best part was that I had a sink in the room.
Junior year, I was hoping to move up in the world, but instead ended up in McClure again! This time in a single in a ground-floor hallway which was quieter and involved less going up and down. It was still small, and I missed my sink, and the window looked out onto the path—which means that most of the campus probably saw me in some state of undress.

But senior year things worked out a little better, as they should: Fall semester I was living in Chicago on the Gold Coast. I had a small, but livable fourth floor apartment directly across from the vintage elevators. It had a kitchen and a bathroom. It had murphy-beds, and more windows and more furniture than most of the other apartments in the building and we made sure it had cable and internet. We could walk a couple of blocks and find ourselves at the Lake, at the eL, at the grocery store, at a club, or in the Loop. It was pretty great.
In the spring it was a crapshoot. I’d given up my room lottery by studying off-campus and so they basically put me wherever they had room. Luckily, they had room for me in a pretty, old dorm in close proximity to my friends. This room is also really really small, but it’s on the first floor and it’s the woman’s dorm so it’s quiet and nice and it’s really not so bad. And the best part is the view:

My room this semester looks out over the ravine. Not only does this mean I get to be naked as much as I like, it also means I can lay in my bed and gaze out at whatever weather there may be and whatever the seasons might be doing at the time. Right now it’s warm and sunny and becoming green. (The photo above is from the fall... and not taken out of my window... but it seemed to fit best). The leaves are coming out and dusting the trees with that new golden-green, and maybe by graduation they will grow into the full lush green of summer.

I was just looking out and contemplating the branches. The limbs of some of these trees grow out of the trunk and towards the sky… but then abruptly change directions. I theorize that part of the limb was cut off and so it put all of it’s energy into growing a branch and so now the limb looks like it’s bending at a 75 degree or a 100 degree or even a sharp 90 degree angle. Never an acute angle though… which is getting to my point. These trees, their limbs change directions suddenly and abruptly, but whether it happened naturally or it happened because something was cut off they still keep growing towards the sky.

While I know it’s not a very novel analogy, our lives are like those branches. Things happen and our directions change, but we keep growing up.

Happy May Day!

An arbitrary story from my life:

I usually don't shower in the morning because I babysit almost every day and I prefer to shower when I get home so I can wash off any squished food or playdough.
But today I have a few meetings I'd like to look less scruffy for, so this morning I got up and showered before class. While I was standing in my shower shoes I thought to myself that I would be doing this every morning after graduation because I start my great new job on May twenty-second. I'll be working in the Special Education program at the Acton-Boxborough Regional School System. I thought to myself "I won't be able to wear jeans to work, I might get confused for one of the students!" and then I realized that there's no way that anyone will confuse me for someone under 18.

I guess I'm a grown-up. eek!

Falling

The other day I was walking next to the ravine and I something fell from a tree. I went to see what it was and saw a grey squirrel looking stunned on the ground.

Squirrels live their lives in the treetops. I am incredibly comforted to know that they fall from time to time.

He looked at me for a second and then ran off.

I am also comforted to see that after a big fall, it's possible to climb back up towards the sky.

Burning Into the Night

Tonight around 10 I decided I was tired of this terrible feeling of being lonely and trapped and helpless and like my head is going to crack open. I decided I didn’t want to wait for something to happen to make it better any longer, so it was time to clean my room.

My tiny dorm room has been a terrible mess for way too long and has been stressing me out. I’m so effected by it that last weekend I actually burst into tears when my boy cracked a joke about it as he tiptoed his way through the tangle of clothes, scarves, textbooks, cords, and shoes that blanketed my floor.

So I headed for the closet where I unpacked my suitcase from spring break
(!!!) and set my shoes in rows and put away the laundry I did 2 weeks ago. Then I worked out from there: I filed papers that needed filing, I set aside more clothes to consign and more stuff to send home, I gathered up all the materials for my latest project and set them aside in a showbox, I threw away a lot of receipts and random pieces of paper, I made about 20 paper cranes (I've been behind), I updated my to-do list, I did my finances for March, I wrote a letter to my aunt, I unpacked a box that’s been sitting there since I moved in in January.

Some of my clothes in my drawers need to be re-folded, I have a some dishes to do, and the floor desperately needs to be vacuumed but all in all I’m feeling wonderfully accomplished. My 4-day headache is down to a dull roar and the desire to scream has diminished. I’m glad I didn’t wait until it was time to move out to do all this like I told myself I would. It wasn’t hard and I feel so much better.

Now the test will be: can I keep everything in its place for the next month?

Dear Devoted Reader,

(or hopefully-soon-to-be-devoted, if it's you're first time)

I have been sick all weekend with a yucky cold. I've done nothing but watch television and movies and movies on television and play on the internet. And slept. And eaten chicken soup (thanks boy).

But have I written an update? No. And has it been way too long since I wrote an update? Yes. And would these past two days been the ideal time to do such a thing? Most definitely!

So I'm sorry. I've been meaning to... I've even had a few ideas. And sometime soon I'll type one of them up and release it to the internets for you and your cohorts to read. I promise.

In the meantime, I'm going to go blow my nose some more.

Snuffly yours,
Molly

On Seabrook, SC

This place has magic.
I go to sleep at night to moonlight and wind chimes and wake up to sunlight and mysterious footprints in the sand under the porch. We suspect cougars.
There are seeds in my orange juice and sand dollars waiting to be found on the wide flat beach.
The windows look out over the river as it curves through the marsh, and the spanish moss hangs lazily from tree branches. This place's casualty is enchanting--no rush or urgency--the live oaks can’t even be bothered to shed their leaves in the autumn, preferring to just let one leaf fall as the next grows in.
The sun is warmer here, the colors brighter, the days slower, and the creativity stronger. The meals are longer here, the conversations more meaningful, and the company is as merry as ever. There is magic here.



(They also have a fantastic grocery store. And I got a massage and some ridiculous light blue Crocs.
Needless to say, I’m a happy girl.)

The Power of Words

It's funny how when you try to put some things into words they change.
They cease to exist or they grow to titanic proportions. They get better or worse. They lose their meaning. They gain meanings. They gain import. They are trivialized. They are transformed in countless ways.
Whatever the transformation of those things is... they are forever different once they are expressed with words.

Imperfection

Sometimes I think I see Perfection in something: a photograph, a story, a relationship, a lifestyle, someone’s skin… and I think “Why can’t I have that?” It seems that there’s nothing perfect in my life and sometimes that really gets me down.

An example of my imperfection: When I was little, I hugged a sleeping dog and now I have 4 scars on the left side of my face. I’m lucky, the emergency room doctors did a good job sewing up the tears and the scars are relatively small and subtle. But I hate them and they are the first things I see when I look in the mirror.
People tell me “I never noticed them before you pointed them out! Don’t get rid of them, they give you character!” I hate that too. Surely an imperfection that was painfully inflected on me doesn’t give my face character!
But consider a handmade product, like a garment, piece of furniture, or quilt. It is the small imperfections—the variations in color or pattern or whatnot—that makes those products unique and valuable. Maybe my face is like that.

When I really think about it I like my life this way. Those imperfections set me and my life apart from other people. They give it value, they allow room for improvement and space to grow, and they give prospective.
If everything was perfect there would be nothing to look at, be surprised by, work on, hope for, cry about, laugh at, be inspired by… and I could go on.

Without those things, who wants perfection?
(Well, I do. Go figure)

new entry in the works... hopefully a good one.


(this entry is my assurance that I will actually finish and post it)

Just A Reminder

to look up more

Often I Feel Like I Can't

I don't write here often because I want write from an optimistic, insightful, inspired place; and I want to do it honestly.

This dissatisfaction makes me ache.

To Do in the New Year*

Floss every day
Drink more water
Earn excellent grades
Apply to graduate school
Write more letters
Save money
Learn
Be smart
Connect with people, including friends + family in my extended network
Take responsibility
Talk to strangers
Recognize patterns, then change the negative ones and foster the positive ones
Improve
Be honest
Find and take opportunities
Take risks
Be brave
Be proud of myself
Be happy
Feel beautiful
Be part of a community
Find balance
See beauty everywhere
Create something every day
Try

*This list is subject to change.

Atchmerhammer Christmas Letter 2005

Merry Christmas from the AtchMerHammers!

Sit down to read another episode of out Christmas letter, with the irresistible opportunity to start right off with Dana's paragraph as we have head it is everyone's favorite.

Dana: My year hasn't exactly been a whirlwind of new activities, but I suppose it's my responsibility to keep you entertained anyway. Here goes! Indubitably, I'll cater to my audience by filling you in with the only thing most adults appear to be interested, "The College Process!" My compliance in providing you with this information has noting to do with my affinity for doing so; in fact it's quite the contrary. I hope that my vain attempts to avoid the subject that hitherto have been thwarted by patient and garrulous questioning can at this point be deferred by simply saying, "It appears you didn't read the Christmas letter!" Yes, I'm applying to colleges this year. This is my fifth year of high school and things have been going quite nicely. I've been mainly looking at liberal arts colleges with excellent engineering schools, spanning from Boston to LA. The list includes a range of excellent academic institutions, only one strictly engineering school, and I didn't apply Early Decision anywhere. All my applications are submitted, and you'll find out where I end up in this letter's next installment. This fall at Kimball Union, I opted out of the endearingly terrible Thirds Soccer team in favor of theatre. I had a significant role as an elderly pedagogue in Sophocles' Electra, starring alongside many of my best friends and having a splendid time. Right now I'm training for both another year of rugby and the brand new crew program, but I'm having considerable difficulty choosing between them. For what's ahead, you'll have to tune in next year!

Ashley: Hello again! Since you last heard form my, I've had quite a year! Senior year flew by at Westford Academy. I went to prom in early May wearing my dream dress. Our phenomenal class trip to Disney was followed by one of the biggest highlights for me, our Senior Showcase. It was a show including any senior who participated in the Threatre Arts Department. I sang a solo and arranged all the ensemble pieces. It was an incredible learning experience of which I am very proud! Graduation came so fast; it felt unreal. This summer, Quita's family had a family reunion on Martha's Vineyard, so we all spent some fun in the sun. Afterwards, I worked at Camp Takodah for five weeks, finally as cabin leader! I worked with the youngest kids (ages 9-11). Two sessions, twice the fun! Next summer will be my tenth year at Takodah! I now attend the Hartt School of Music at the University of Hartford, my top choice, and I'm so happy there. I'm studying towards a BA in Music, the best major for music students at Hartt. I've found a great group of friends and, to my pleasant surprise, I am doing wonderfully! Looking forward to next semester and this summer, I can't wait to see what the New Year has in store for me!

Rachel: Hi all! It's my turn now to tell you a little about my past year, and much has happened for me! I finished my spring semester with a bang as a can-can girl for my ballet workshop show, which was a lot of fun! This summer I worked at Camp Takodah for 10 weeks, as a member of the kitchen crew during boys’ camp and as a cabin leader during girls’ camp. It was a great experience, but tough to go straight from camp to Paris. My semester in Paris was an incredible experience! Now being home, it feels like a dream. I took French Contemporary Society, Advanced Grammar and Composition, Paris Art and Architecture, Photography, Ballet, Salsa, and Oriental Dance (very similar to belly-dancing). All but one of my classes were in French. I picked up French very quickly, especially because my host mother did not speak a word of English! I took advantage of being in Europe to visit Marseille, Avignon, Dublin, and Barcelona. All the trips were incredible, and my adventures are available on my weblog, online at academics.skidmore.edu/weblogs/students/r1schill for your reading and viewing pleasure. Although I had an unforgettable time abroad, I'm glad to be home. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! A la prochaine fois!

Molly: Happy Holidays everyone! So much happens in a year, every time I sit down to write this paragraph I am amazed. I spend spring break in Florence where one of my best friends was studying abroad. It was a fabulous trip (and my 21st birthday present). I cried most of the way home because I didn't want to leave. I finished my Junior year at Lake Forest College after which I moved in with my cousin, Lisa, and her family so I could continue my jobs of babysitting and waiting tables. I did make it home several times though: for the happy occasions of Mum's birthday bash, Ashley's graduation and a 4th of July family reunion on Martha's Vineyard. A very sad event also brought me home this summer: our very dear family friend Rowena died and I came home to say goodbye to her one last time. She was like a second mother to me and I love and miss her very much. In August I moved into a tiny little apartment in the Gold Coast neighborhood of Chicago where I participated in an off-campus program for students interested in the arts. I learned a lot about both life and art and I will miss the city and my new friends very much. After New Years, I return to LFC for the last semester of my Senior year! In next year's letter, look for mentions of graduation, Tanzania, and graduate school. In the meantime, I hope you are all happy and healthy and I wish you the best of luck in 2006!

Quita: After last year's challenges and this Spring witnessing one of my best friend’s valiant struggles to enjoy ever minute she had left, I decided to take a little more time to enjoy and appreciate life. I welcomed by 50th birthday with a gala party and danced the night away with my family and friends. Many years in retail sales (9th year at Calico Corners) have taken their toll on my poor feet. I had foot surgery in June and used the 8 weeks of recuperation to sell and empty my Mother's house in Lincoln and play our family reunion. I had not realized how difficult this would be on crutches. Over the 4th of July we celebrated on the Vineyard with 29 Atchleys and their significant others ranging in age from 2-68. I visit my mother a couple of times a week and she continues to do well in the nursing home. My children are growing up, they both graduate in May, Molly from college and Dana from high school. The house seemed too empty, so I got a puppy. Everyone teases me about how much I love Alba, my new Westie. She has given our cranky old Jack Russell, Satch, a new lease on life. Something we all need.

Bill: First, let me apologize to all for the tardiness of this card and letter. My darling wife had everything ready to go LONG before Christmas, but my frantic business schedule kept me from completing it for your reading pleasure. However, that schedule has been the surprise of my year: I transitioned after 8 years with FOCUS to my exciting new position as Director of Sales for Avidyne, the leading provider of integrated glass cockpits in the world. We supply the glass you see in airliners for general aviation such as Piper and Cirrus. It is awesome to combine my sales and sales management talents with my passion for flying. Since joining Avidyne at the end of September, Quita has hardly seen me. However, I'm working with a long time friend from Intel, the company has a talented team of passionate aviators who are a pleasure to work with, and I'm LOVING it. Aviation seems to dominate by life now, as serving America under Civil Air Patrol remains by primary avocation where my growing responsibilities include Incident Commander as well as Mission Pilot, increasing the odds that our sleep is disturbed by 2am alerts (no one ever seems to get lost when one is awake!). By the way, for those who have not seen me recently, there is a lot less to see having shed over 1/4 of my body weight. Motivated by the desire to start playing rugby again and encouragement from my wife, I embarked upon what seemed like an impossible journey to transform my eating habits to a healthier and reduced diet utilizing "South Beach." I've significantly exceeded everyone's expectations and played rugby this summer and fall for the first time in 6 years. The best part is that my wife can't keep her hands off me!!! Remaining highlights of the year were a great trip to Japan with Ashley for her 18th birthday, a fabulous 50th birthday party for Quita, and Quita's family reunion on the Vineyard.

May 2006 bring you the very best, we look forward to sharing it with as many of you as good fortune allows!

Thinking

It is December 23. The fall semester recently ended, the year is about to, we are home with our families, the presents are wrapped and waiting to be opened. This is a time of year for thinking - not necessarily because it's a time of year that facilitates it, but because the circumstances demand it.
As students we are asked to evaluate our courses and our own accomplishments. This year, especially, there have been exhaustive evaluations and critiques of my work as an artist, my work as a student, myself as a person, my teachers, my advisors, my classes, my internship, my experience... it seemed endless until it was over.
The holidays bring families together and require us all to navigate the politics of our often scattered, blended, and/or complicated families. Many of us are also going to visit the places where we grew up after leaving 2... 7... 11 years or more (or less) ago which means reencountering familiar places and people which carry memories both good and bad.

For me, the evaluations are valuable, and coming home is largely a positive thing. But that doesn't mean I don't think a lot.
And then, in my family, there's the Christmas card letter, which is made up of a paragraph written by each family member about our past year. Fitting a year into a paragraph is not an easy task.
Finally, my family has a New Years book, where each of us is supposed record our reflections and resolutions for the new year.

I'm exhausted by it all already, and Christmas hasn't even started yet.

My Christmas paragraph is written and hopefully by tomorrow everyone will have finished theirs and we will stuff the envelopes. I'm planning on sharing my contribution here, or possibly the entire letter (if it's interesting enough). So you can look forward to that in the next few days.
I've also been thinking a lot about what to write in the New Years book, and once I have put it in words I'll probably share that with you as well (I would especially like feedback on it).

In the meantime, I want to wish everyone a happy holiday. Enjoy your festivities and good luck navigating your travels, your traditions, and your thoughts - the journey can be trying and tiring, but remember it is well worth it.