On Sex


Let's talk about sex.
I'm pretty sure I can have it if I ask for it. I haven't asked for it, though, and I'm starting to think it might be good for me to have a personal sexual revolution and just start asking. I could benefit from some physical closeness. I could benefit from some release. I could benefit from someone trying to make me feel good.
I have lots of reasons for not doing this, such as: what if the answer is "no", what if I'm actually really bad at it, what if it doesn't feel good, I don't have any time, I don't want to spend what little money I have on condoms... Okay, that last reason is a bad reason.
The big reason--the reason I don't talk about--is that, while the idea of sex sounds welcome and fulfilling, the idea of what happens before and after scares me to death when it doesn't include secret smiles, someone's smell becoming familiar, little kisses just because.

"I want to fuck you" just doesn't sound as good as "I like you a lot". "That was fun" doesn't mean as much if "You make me happy" isn't implicit in the statement.

On Theme Park Rides




They say that grad school is a rollercoaster, but I've been sort of ignoring the people who say that despite my 51-hour-weeks (and that's not including time for commuting or homework).

Well, in the past week, I decided that they might know what they're talking about.

Midterms start tomorrow. Eep! I think I'm ready. Kinda.
My five-year reunion from HS was this weekend. If anyone thinks that's silly, you can be sure that they didn't go to my school. It was reaffirming, even if it wasn't relaxing. I was reminded of my wonderful friends and of what my position is in my worlds.
We had a mini-family reunion, but I was only there for a day. It was good to see my people.
Rachel left for New Zealand for practically ages. That's sad.
I looked at some of my photos from Rome, finally!

And not the least of things, I have to give up my dog.

All of these things have called a lot in to question for me and taken away a lot of my sleep, for various reasons.

I've decided my priority is growth.
I will do what I can to continue to grow.
Someday, perhaps I will edit and post more photos of Rome. Maybe I will even take some new photos.
I just may do it this weekend-while-I-will-not-be-in-Chicago! But probably not, because I'll be so consumed with not-being-in-Chicago, there will just be no time.

But rest assured that it is on my mind.

On Car Chases



Sometimes, when I'm on the highway, I like to imagine that men in other cars are flirting with me. I convince myself that it was love at first sight, and that's why he looked over with such meaning when I passed him, or why he passes me and then lets me pass him and then passes me. This is especially great when the guy is good looking. It's also fun when I've got the music up and the windows down and the sun is perfect and I'm wearing sunglasses and lipstick, because then I just know it can't get any better than me, right then, speeding down the road in my little red car.
When I lose them or they lose me, I'm always a little disappointed. He could have been my soulmate!

PS: This photo is of me in my mum's car on the way to someplace. I miss my hair like that.

On Faithfulness


Today I made apple-butternut squash soup. It is delicious. But I was listening to the radio and a country song came on about being faithful. It got me thinking:

Faith is a noun that means complete trust or confidence, or a strong belief based on spiritual understanding rather than proof. Therefore, if being faithful means that you are full of faith, it means that you trust your partner explicitely, just because you believe in them.

But that means that if you're UNfaithful, it's because YOU have lost your trust for THEM, not the other way around. That makes sense. I have always felt that if you cheat on a relationship it casts doubt on everything that both of you do. If you have something to hide, who's to say your partner doesn't also have something to hide? And so if you are unfaithful, it truly means that you can no longer have complete trust in your relationship, that you have lost your faith.

I just thought it was an interesting way of looking at it.

photo by paulaferrary, on Flickr. Click the title above to link.

On Roaches!

So I had my first week at my feild placement. I'm there two days a week, and my first day just happened to fall on the day of the annual fund-raising golf tournament... so I spent my first day as a social work intern standing in pink metalic kitten-heels on the third fairway, handing out, and maybe partaking in, maybe not, I really can't say) jello shots and rummy-bears, selling raffle tickets, and informing the players of the closest to the pin competition. It was great. I now have a reputation as a pushy sales-woman.
My second day I nearly fell asleep in a two-hour staff meeting, but then I went on some home visits. At the first there were roaches. I was very good, I did not react. At the second there was a twenty-year-old drug addicted mother who looked at us with her big brown eyes and lied. I know, because I read her file. I kept thinking "you're my brother's age, you're so pretty. you're supposed to be in college, fighting with her boyfriend who's on the hockey team, having great make-up sex, getting good grades". I kept thinking "It's not even possible that you're fighting an addition, that you gave birth to a daughter nine months ago." That's exactly what I'm NOT supposed to be thinking.

I updated my faculty supervisor about my experiences. She said not to wear sweaters or coats into roach-infested homes because they might hitch a ride out with me and into my home. This really freaks me out. I immediately emptied my briefcase and shook it all out. No roaches. But still.
i love graduate school.

On Growth


Things are so exciting and so full of possibility right now. This sort of growth doesn't feel like a snake shedding skin, or a hermit crab finding a new shell.
Rather, I feel like a tree. I'm growing sturdier and stronger. I'm reaching my roots down deeper, my branches up higher. I'm sprouting some new twigs.

Or better yet: In this growth, I feel like the young woman I am, continually embarking on the rest of my life.

On Summer Ending

Tomorrow is my first day of school. Wednesday is my first day back at work, and my second day of school.
To prepare I painted my nails. I got a facial, a haircut, a new bed, new bedding, a new mirror, a new roommate, a new apartment, and new school suplies. I finished my reports from Camp, and I just got the okay from my supervisor saying that they look good (this is a triumph for me!) and I'm done.

I'm excited! Bring on the fall!

On Who We Are


"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."
-Marianne Williamson

On Coming Home

I'm back from Rome. It was amazing. See?

I will post a lot more about it here soonish, I think.

However, right now my concern is reaclimating myself with my real life. I think I might be failing at it. I feel like I've started a dozen tasks and haven't finished any of them. I feel like I'm letting everyone down at work, including coworkers, clients, and supervisors. I feel like there's no way I can ever get to the things I want/need to do in the long term, because there is so much that is pressing on me now. It sucks a whole lot.

On Italy


Italy, home of the Vatican, is 90 percent Catholic, but the dominate religion is life--motor scooters, soccer, fashion, girl-watching, boy-watching, good coffee, good wine, and il dolce far niente (the sweetness of doing nothing).
-from Rick Steves' Italy 2007

Photo Credit: Tom "andertho", from Flickr

On to Rome!

A week from now, I will be in Rome with my darling Ashley.
How I'm supposed to do anything but pack and plan between now and then is beyond my comprehension.

In other exciting [wedding] news: Rachel bought a wedding dress. I'm finally onto editing Jess's wedding photos, so keep an eye out on my flickr stream for those.

On today

This morning, I got an email confirming that we can extend our stay at the awesome hotel I found for Ashley and I in Rome. At camp, all my campers did a great job and got along (even the instigators!). We did a high element on the ropes course, and everyone was really supportive. I even did it, twice, and not once did I fall! I bonded with some of my coworkers, and after the kids left we went out for drinks. A friend called. When I got home, I had a letter from my BC peer advisor and a new pair of shoes I'd ordered online waiting for me. Also, an email from Rachel (there is a date for her wedding!). Right now I'm wearing the new shoes (only on mine, that yellow stripe is PINK!). And no pants. I'm going to go take a shower, and do some laundry, and read (non-fiction!).

It's been a good day, guys.

On Having Babies, People!


Guess what I heard on NPR: People in the western world aren't having enough babies!
In order to maintain a population the birthrate needs to be 2.1 kids per a family, that's two to replace each parent, and 0.1 to replace children who, sadly, don't make it. But actually, we're only having 1.5 babies per a family! That makes me sad to hear, because it means there are a whole lot of only children. Also, these days the death rate is higher than the birthrate.

There are some really interesting reasons for it, too. For instance: children in school are taught that humans are ruining the world, so when they grow up they don't want to be making more.

I didn't get to hear the whole thing, but seriously people! Interesting!

Photo credit: Superhero Andrea Scher (see "inspiration" link at the right)

I love beginnings:
The opening credits of television shows and the menu sequences of DVDs. The first page of a book. A new haircut. A new venture. A new pen. A new friendship. Gifts, just before the lid of the box opens, regardless of whether I'm giving or recieving. I love first impressions, they're my favorite kind. I really love mornings, especially if I'm the first one up. I even sort of love Mondays. Sort of.

On "Hot Sauce"

I'm sorry to Ashley about my last post. I see how it could be sad, if you think it's really a dog writing it. But remember, Darling, it is not a dog writing. It is a poet, who wondered the same thing I wonder, and probably feels pretty bad about having to put his dog down.

In order to lighten the air, I will tell the story of M: a thirteen-year-old autistic boy who used to be in my group at camp. He was the most difficult, and the most gratifying of the campers.
He uses rocks as puppets. They have names, and if you ask him a question he'll protest: "Don't ask me! Ask Shelly!" Then you ask the rock.
He loves meatball subs. He also loves to swim - It's next to impossible to get him out of the water.
He thinks it's hysterical when we sing and dance to the radio on the bus. He dances too, all flailing elbows and rythmic rocking, punctuated by claps.
When he wants your attention, he sticks his chin out and half closes his seafoam green eyes, and he'll call you the most ridiculous names. I have been: Molly-head. Molly-girl-face. Moose. Princess. Panacake man. And (my personal favorite!) Hot Sauce.

On a Possible Change

So, I'm considering a blog revamp. Here's what it would look like:

Exactly the same!
Except with more posts. And they would be shorter. They would be just a little something that is on my mind, or a quote or poem that has been rolling around in my head. A chance to share what I love, what I hope for, an anecdote from my day. Also! Then I could share more photos!

Here's an example:
Sometimes when Picco's being calm with me I scratch him and he sort of half-closes his eyes. It's a look of either pleasure or annoyance. And I wish he could talk to me so he could say "Yes! Right there!" or "Geez, lady, lay off it, would you?"
And then the other day I came upon this poem, by Billy Collins. It is my fear, realized.

The Revenant

I am the dog you put to sleep,
as you like to call the needle of oblivion,
come back to tell you this simple thing:
I never liked you--not one bit.

When I liked your face,
I thought of biting off your nose.
When I watched you toweling yourself dry,
I wanted to leap and unman you with a snap.

I resented the way you moved,
your lack of animal grace,
the way you would sit in a chair to eat,
a napkin in your lap, knife in your hand.

I would have run away,
but I was too weak, a trick you taught me
while I was learning to sit and heel,
and--greatest of insults--shake hands without a hand.

I admit the sight of the leash
would excite me
but only because it meant I was about
to smell things you had never touched.

You do not want to believe this,
but I have no reason to lie.
I hated the car, the rubber toys,
disliked your friends and, worse, your relatives.

The jingling of my tags drove me mad.
You always scratched me in the wrong place.
All I ever wanted from you
was food and fresh water in my metal bowls.

While you slept, I watched you breathe
as the moon rose in the sky.
It took all my strength
not to raise my head and howl.

Now I am free of the collar,
the yellow raincoat, monogrammed sweater,
the absurdity of your lawn,
and that is all you need to know about this place

except what you already supposed
and are glad it did not happen sooner--
that everyone here can read and write,
the dogs in poetry, the cats and all the other in prose.

---

So now I'm the sort of person who puts poems on the internet. Crap.
But really. Tell me what you think.

On Possible Topics

Things I've been considering writing about:
Old Friends (and how they're great)
Sex (and the lack thereof)
My Upcoming Birthday (and my asymptotic approach to adulthood)
How My Job Is Kicking My Ass (and how my new nickname is "Hot Sauce")